- Title: Setting Boundaries
- Author: Dr Rebecca Ray
- Genre: Self-Help/Psychology
- Date Published: 2021
- Length: 335
- Where I read it: Bed (it’s always bed)
Note: This post missed its usual last-Thursday-of-the-month schedule. I’d apologise, but I think the stars aligned to publish this for No-vember – the month to say “no” to all the situations, habits and people that drain our energy.
There are books you read for information, and then there are books that sneak under your skin and start rearranging the furniture. Setting Boundaries by Dr Rebecca Ray is one of the latter.
This month, I took a break from my usual gritty crime novels – the ones filled with bodies, bad decisions, and brilliant detectives – and decided to give my nervous system a breather. Setting Boundaries was the perfect palate cleanser: thoughtful, gentle, and quietly confronting in all the right ways.
On the surface, it’s a guide to doing what most of us in midlife are still learning: how to stop saying yes when every fibre of our being is screaming no. But what makes this book hit harder than your average self-help manual is how Dr Ray maps out what’s happening beneath the boundary.
She introduces the concept of our “The Protection Selves” – those inner parts of us that learned, somewhere along the way, that it’s safer to please, fix, smooth over, or stay quiet. They’re the versions of us who step in when confrontation looms or rejection threatens. And while they mean well, they’re also the ones who keep us stuck in cycles of resentment and exhaustion.
Reading this, I found myself recognising the voices of my own Protection Selves. The one who hates letting people down. The one who keeps the peace even when it costs me peace of mind. The one who performs “competent and capable” while quietly drowning. Instead of shaming them (as I’ve often done), Dr Ray suggests we listen to them – have a conversation, even – and learn what they’re trying to protect us from.
That idea alone shifted something for me. It’s not just about building boundaries; it’s about healing the reasons we never had them in the first place.
Setting Boundaries isn’t a lecture. It’s a compassionate, clear-eyed reminder that self-respect and connection can coexist – that protecting your energy doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you sustainable.
If you’re someone who’s ever muttered, “I should have said no” on the drive home – this one’s for you.
Em x
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