The mental load I didn’t know I was carrying

Lately I’ve been feeling sub-optimal. I’ve not been sleeping well, so I’ve been tired. I’ve been tired, so I’ve been picky and grumpy. I’ve been picky and grumpy, so I’ve been hellish to live with.

My poor family.

My brain just hasn’t stopped. It’s busy in there at the best of times, and lately has not been the best of times.

Now, part of that is life. But part of it is also that I have a mentally demanding day job … the kind that chews through brainpower like a toddler with a packet of rice crackers. And by the time I’ve wrapped that up each day, I’m already spent.

And yet somehow, the work day continues after 5pm.

Luckily for me (and for those who live with me), I had a weekend away with a girlfriend recently. We shopped, we ate, we drank … and oh, did we talk. We talked so much we probably should’ve had a transcript.

There’s something powerful about stepping out of your regular life. When you get a bit of space from your day-to-day, you can finally see things clearly. Things that were tangled up inside you suddenly start making sense.

And here’s what I saw with that new perspective: I was carrying a huge mental load. And it was time to put it the hell down.

I didn’t realise it had a name

Now, before you jump to conclusions, this is not a “bash the husband” post. I’m genuinely lucky in that department. My husband does WAY more than his share of housework. He handles the weekday laundry so it doesn’t pile up on the weekend, he cooks a couple of nights a week (our son cooks once a week, too), and he religiously squeegees the shower. Yes, squeegees. Yes, that’s a verb now.

He’s an absolute gem.

And yet …

Despite all of that, my mind still felt like a browser with 47 tabs open. Appointment reminders, upcoming birthdays, that bridal shower I haven’t RSVP’d to, errands to run, weird household items we’re suddenly out of.

And yes – even though my son isn’t at school anymore, I still have to remind him to get to work on time. Because teenagers. Apparently “work ethic” is still loading.

I was doing less, technically. But I was holding more.

This, friends, is the mental load. And it’s exhausting.

It’s not just the tasks, it’s the responsibility

Here’s the part I didn’t understand until recently: mental load isn’t just about the physical tasks. It’s about the responsibility of keeping track of all the tasks. The remembering. The anticipating. The noticing. The planning.

It’s the endless internal monologue:

• We’re running low on laundry powder.
• What’s the plan for your mum’s birthday?
• That lightbulb still hasn’t been replaced.
• Who’s driving to the appointment on Friday?

Even when others help (and thank dog they do), I still feel like the project manager of our lives. And being the project manager and the emotional support team and the task ninja? It’s too much.

It’s invisible labour, and it wears you down from the inside out.

Here’s what helped (a little)

So, what’s the fix for mental load? Well, I’m still figuring that out. Ideally, it’s moving to a tropical island where the biggest decision that needs to be made is do I swim now or swim later. But, seriously, I’ve started making small shifts that help me feel a little less overwhelmed … and a little more human.

1. I started journaling
Not the reflective, “dear diary” kind (though no judgement … more like a chaotic splatter of everything I’m holding. No grammar. No structure. Just a raw download of stress, worries, and random thoughts. It’s messy. It’s unfiltered. It clears space in my head so I can actually think straight again.

2. I created a ‘Mental Load Dump Zone’
This is like the journaling … but for tasks and reminders, not feelings and thoughts. I give myself a spot (a notebook, but it could be a Notes app or even a whiteboard on the fridge) where I brain-dump everything that pops up. It’s part-to-do list, part-reminder list. It gets tasks and reminders out of my head without needing me to action them immediately. It gives me clarity for what is important and what I can let go.

3. I started saying “That’s not mine.”
I’ve begun mentally (and sometimes out loud) drawing boundaries around responsibilities that don’t actually belong to me. Someone forgot their own appointment? Not mine. A task I could take on, but don’t have to? Also not mine. It’s a mini mantra that reminds me I don’t have to carry everything just because I noticed it.

Need to put something down too?

If this post poked something tender – if your brain is tired and your heart feels frayed – you’re not alone. The mental load is real. And it’s not anyone’s fault.
But you can begin to shift it.

I made something to help.

It’s a Self-Care Menu – a free, printable list of small but powerful ways to care for yourself when you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, or quietly falling apart.

You don’t have to wait until you’re completely broken to give yourself a break.
You don’t need permission.
You just need to start.

👇 Sign up for my newsletter and get access to download the free Self-Care Menu and take one thing off your plate today.

You’re carrying more than you think. Maybe it’s time to let some of it go.

Em x

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